As “The Earth is Flat” theory sweeps through social media, taking the conspiracy attention away from the Lizard People/Illuminati so they can finally get back to eating babies in country clubs and gearing up for the annual softball game between them and the Masons. They keep saying they’re gonna win this year. I’ll believe it when I see it. Lizards throw like girls. (If that offends you… you’re a lizard)

I’m no scientist, I’m not logical, and I don’t smoke pot. Thus, I’m not gonna battle this theory with facts, sounds too boring. I’ll use common sense and keen observation of cause and effect…

If the Earth is Flat…? (it’s not)

Think about it… All the dipshits wasting their time and money trying to search the galaxy for a new planet to colonize…You’re going about it all wrong!!! 

Then how would you find life on other planets Mr. Rocket Surgeon Pants???

If we believe telescopes work… Then have a look into space… If the planets seem round and lifeless, and the Earth IS flat (it’s not) and full of life… Then perhaps the secret to a “livable planet” isn’t water, or nitrogen, or carbon… it’s Flatness. 

You’re Welcome… now get to work. You guys find that other flat thing, we got ourselves an earth alternative… Then… Smoke em if ya got em. Am I right ladies?!?

Colonize Mars???

First off, Mars is obviously an enemy planet…and at best, a place to keep our plastic once we get it out of the ocean so it doesn’t just float around space and enter back into our atmosphere, or worse, hit a satellite and disrupt our internet or cellular service. There are no whales on mars either, so no harm no foul… ELON can personally take it up there and build his dream castle full of sex bots and pear shaped colleagues bent on a better life through technology. Have fun boys!!! Be sure to bring extra dice!!!