My spam filter started off with the basics… Viagra, and of course the constant “Amazon deals.” Since I have a website, I now receive countless offers letting me know I could use SEO help so I can get to the top of Google searches. Perhaps their data should let them know that spam is a horrible way to advertise. However, I’ve been wrong before…

As a musician, I now know that Guitar Center has the biggest sale in history every weekend, really… every retailer offers 15% off for a limited time every day, all the time.

Thanks to robots I now know what BOGO means, and if you don’t, it’s (BUY ONE GET ONE). I would have made it there eventually, but after other ideas like BIG OPEN GOAT ORIFICE or BOTTLE OF GREEN ORANGES. Neither of those would entice me to breach the threshold of a women’s apparel retailer. Thus it seems that the internet thought I was a Woman that couldn’t get an erection.

You see, at first, it thought I was lonely and impotent. Thus its logic was, “Perhaps I should tell this guy about some sweet deals on Viagra. Some SEO would help get some eyes and ears “pickin’ up what he’s puttin’ down.” Then the potential mates would see that my business is bumpin’. I’d be more confident and would have something to talk about with “The Ladies”… You know… Like the hottest sales. Because the internet thinks, That’s what “ladies” are into.

Now that the internet has legal access to my camera, mic, location, and all other superficial information. Oh yeah, because I mindlessly click “agree” to everything, because you have to if you want to listen to music and get cheap shit delivered to for free. (there’s no other option.)

Now I’m being sent IQ and “Brain Boosters” emails, about 8 a day. This is heartwarming because now it seems that the internet is trying to help me out. The robots have deducted that:  If I’m gonna find love, it’s not a penis thing or a money thing… It’s because I’m stupid.